Hello fellow Slick Cooks!
My first submission is not the way a typical recipe on a
cooking blog is usually presented… at all.
However, it is by request, so I share it all with you here today as I originally
made it long before the blog.
This is the surprise Birthday Cake I made for my
wife. Later I baked and served it to our
Church group at which I was promptly assaulted and beaten into submission by 30
plus women (and a few men who shall remain nameless) to give up the recipe. It has definitely been through more than a
few large scale taste tests after that.
Interestingly, at the same time I had a “process essay”
that was due in class so I simply combined the two. The essay is a bit of fiction (I had actually
surprised my wife on her Birthday - not my Mother-in-Law who lives in Japan…
you’ll see what I mean when you read it) but it was done in a way to generate
appeal and fun with the reader.
Additionally, I apologize that the pictures are not top
quality. They were taken long before I
had even conceived of doing a blog so please forgive the little things like a
cabinet in the background and such. :) They are not part of the original essay but
thought it would be prudent to include them here.
So, what follows is the literal essay, verbatim on how to
bake this cake. I hope you enjoy both
the cake and the writing… and yes, I received an ‘A.’
How
to make the Ultimate “Chocolate Cavity Bomb”
(A Tongue in Cheek for Men Who Have
Only Touched Wrenches Their Entire Lives…)
You have in-laws. You have married their daughter – stolen her
from the caring security that only a mother and father can bring their “beloved
princess.” It is time to prove to them
what an awesome husband you are and your mother in-law’s birthday is a perfect
opportunity. How does a new husband
accomplish such a monumental task without resorting to cliché candies and
roses? Nothing says “I care” like making
something by hand, and if it is a cake, you are a god among men in mom’s
eyes. Behold, I reveal the path to
sainthood and share with you how to make the Ultimate “Chocolate Cavity Bomb.”
Men, this process is called
baking. If you still feel at odds with
your masculine security, feel free to use the term “chemical process” because that
is what baking is - chemistry. In
chemistry or any other manufacturing or assembly process, there are universal
steps that must be followed. The first is
to get the instructions (the sacred text you hold now). Second is preparation. Third is assembly. Fourth are the quality assurance checks. Finally, the product is packaged and shipped.
Preparation is the same in all
assembly or manufacturing processes. You
must ensure you have the proper tools, supplies, and skilled labor. In this case, the skilled labor is you, so you
will just have to do your best. The
tools you will need are a standard set
of measuring cups, a whisk, a spatula, a large bowl, a Bundt pan, 2 or 3 long
wooden skewer toothpicks, a wire cooling rack, and an oven. Do not get lazy and use a flat sheet instead
of the Bundt pan. Presentation is
everything and a flat pan says, “I was lazy and just used what I could find in
the cupboard.” Go to the store and spend
the fifteen bucks. Lay everything out on
the kitchen counter within easy reach.
Next are the supplies. In a recipe, supplies are “ingredients.” You may be surprised, but the chocolate
cavity bomb does not require very much – sometimes simple trumps complex. Get a package of dark chocolate cake
mix. You need a minimum of 18.25
ounces. However, a personal favorite of
mine is the 21 ounce box of “Triple
Chocolate Decadent (with real chocolate chunks and fudge)” made by “Duncan
Hines.” Next on the list are 3.9 ounces
of instant chocolate pudding mix, 16 ounces of sour cream, 3 eggs, 1/3 cup of
vegetable oil, 1 and 1/2 cups of water,
2 cups of semisweet chocolate chips, a stick of butter, a small amount of “all
purpose flour,” glaze or powdered sugar, and finally my personal favorite – 2/3
cup of coffee liqueur. An obvious choice
would be Kahlua. The last ingredient is
key – it will set your cake apart from “average” to squeals of delight as all
the ladies in your wife’s family insist on the recipe. Give it to them… and leave out the Kahlua.
So you have your tools and supplies –
time to get to work. Take a look at the
back of the chocolate cake mix box. See
all those instructions? Ignore
them. Do not let them confuse you – the
instructions I am giving you takes everything on that box into account. With that worry safely taken care of, put the
box down and pick up the Bundt pan. You
need to do something called “greasing.” It
is the same thing as lubricating a drill bit or band saw – you are going to oil
it up with a thin layer of butter and then lightly sprinkle some flour on the
butter. When you bake a cake, you do not
want it to stick to your pan when you try to take it out. The presentation would be ruined. Also, use real butter. You saw the ingredients to this cake – I
hardly think getting “margarine” is going to make this beast of calories any
healthier for you.
With that out of the way, turn on the
oven for the next steps. Dial it in to
350 degrees or to 175 degrees Celsius.
This will get your oven “pre-heated” and ready to bake that cake once
you have the next steps complete. While
the oven is heating up, get that large bowl and dump the cake mix (both bags if
you are using my recommended product), the pudding mix, all 16 ounces of sour
cream, the eggs (crack the eggs first, buddy), the oil, water, and the
booze. Now mix it. Do not use one of those electric mixers – use
the whisk. Be thorough. When you have a nice consistency, “fold” the
chocolate chips into the mix. Folding is
where your spatula comes into play.
Instead of mixing the chips in, you dump some chips in and literally
lift some of the mix up and “fold” it over the chips. Repeat that until all the chips are nicely
dispersed. The resulting mix in its
liquid state is called “batter.” This
batter will be thick. Spoon all of it
into your greased and floured Bundt pan.
Now, put that bad boy into the
oven. Keep it there for an hour and
fifteen minutes. Pull it out and put a
long wooden skewer tooth pick into the meat of the cake. Remove the skewer and check it just like you
were checking your oil level. If the
skewer comes out of the cake really dark with some batter residue, it is not
done. Put it back in for another fifteen
minutes. Repeat this until the cake is
baked completely. You have to be careful
– it is easy to burn the cake here. The
cake needs to spring back at you if you lightly tap it. If you tap it and it gives you a concrete
thud, go back to the store and start over.
Placing a tin foil tent over the cake if you have to put the cake back
in repeatedly can help.
Once the cake is finished baking,
remove the pan from the oven. Do not do
anything with it yet and just let it cool for about ten minutes. After that, remove the cake and let it cool
on the cooling rack. This is a moment
where some guys will look at the cake and wonder how they are going to remove
it without damaging it. Put the wire
rack directly onto the Bundt pan, lift and flip. If you properly greased the Bundt pan, it
should simply drop out of the pan onto the rack. Surprise!
The cake was baking upside down the whole time! Let it cool completely on the wire rack.
The last thing to do now is to
prepare it for presentation. You have
options here. You can use the store
bought glaze I mentioned in the supplies earlier and pour it on top, or you can
make your own glaze (which is what I do).
You can use the powdered sugar I also mentioned as an alternative and
sprinkle it on the cake (sparingly). There are countless possibilities that are
only limited by your own imagination. My
wife actually favors whip cream, but for a mother in-law, it is not decadent
enough.
It is birthday party time and trust
me, even though your cake will not be a memory she can look at on the shelf
like photographs can give her, the fact that you went out of your way to do
this will make you the star of the party and forever endear you to her. You cannot lose, and your father in law – no
matter what he says from now on will be hushed and fettered away by good ‘ole
“mom.” You will not have left-overs,
guaranteed.
(We celebrate her 21st birthday every year...)
Someone couldn't wait! ;)
